Carmelita and the Annoying Cakesniffing Randomness
by Princess Carmelita of ASOUE
Summary: Highly random. You don't have to read it. But if you do, beware: I can be very random at times.
1. Carmelita and the Restaurant

Carmelita and the Annoying Cakesniffing Randomness

"Welcome home, Violet!" Sunny cried.

"I only went to the bathroom." said Violet.

"Oh. Sunny didn't know that." said Sunny, as she vainly referred to herself in the third person.

"CARMELITA!" shouted Carmelita Spats, who immediately began acting out the Windows vs. Ipad commercial until Klaus banged some puttanesca on her head. She screamed and put Sunny on as a hat.

"Guess what!" said Bertrand Baudelaire. "We're alive!"

"Mommy! Daddy!" shouted little Sunny, jumping off Carmelita's head.

Carmelita burst into tears. "Why do you get parents and I don't?" she sobbed. Isadora Quagmire burst out of a pinata which didn't exist and ran to comfort her

"Guess what!" said Mrs. Spats. "I'm alive!"

"So am I!" said Mr. Spats.

"I'M SO HAPPY!" shouted Carmelita.

"Guess what! I'm alive!" said every single parent in the whole entire world.

* * *

Chapter 1 1/2: Carmelita at the Restaurant

"Puttanesca anybody?" asked the world's teeniest chef.

"Sunny. Sunny. SUNNY! You're a little too young to have a job. Now have a seat." said Klaus, strapping his sister into a high chair.

"What do you want, Carmelita?" asked Mrs. Spats, strapping her daughter into a high chair.

"How old is your daughter, madam?" asked the waiter.

"Eleven" said Mrs. Spats.

" Well then you can put her in the booth with you. Here are your drinks." the waiter replied.

* * *

End of chapter One! Yipeee! Chapter two will likely be up soon, but I don't know.

I forgot to mention that Lemony Snicket owns all these wonderful characters.

Remember to review!


	2. Carmelita and the Disgusting Day

Carmelita and the Annoying Cakesniffing Randomness

In which Carmelita is totally disgusting.

Carmelita was sitting around when a spider walked by. Being Carmelita, she ate it.

"Eeeeeeeewwwww!" yelled some Quagmire.

Carmelita went into the backyard where she found plenty of green caterpillars. She dumped them into a bowl and mashed them up. She found wasps, flies, maggots, and worms to put in it. Around that time she decided to make soup so she (beware, this next part is absolutely repulsive) urinated in her mixture and began to eat.

Carmy thought it was pretty good so she finished it. After she was finished, Carmy decided she was thirsty and needed a drink. She searched high and low, finally settling for some cabbage water.

When she was full, Carmy asked her mother if she could poop in the woods. Mrs. Spats said "Be back by dinner."

So Carmy went to the woods but forgot what she came there for so she ate some mud and threw it up in the lake. Then she got bored so she killed a squirrel, intending to take it home for dinner, but by the time she got over to the body she didn't remember that so she just turned around and went home.

At dinnertime Carmy spilled her milk on her plate and began to mix it in with her meal. Then, Carmy farted really loud at the table but forgot about it so she didn't excuse herself.

Later, Carmy burped in her dog's face and ate a dog treat. She felt very lively after that so she put some broccoli and raw fish on a plate and greedily devoured it. She ate a few foxes in socks and went to go play in a landfill.

When she got back, Carmy felt nauseous and threw up her very filling dinner. She made chicken gnocchi soup with cockroaches in it and began to eat. She fell asleep with her head in the soup and her hand down her pants and her other hand up her nose.

The next morning, Carmelita Spats spit halfway across her mother's face and did her business in the flower garden. Mr. Spats hugged his daughter and told her she was the best daughter imaginable. Carmy beamed, revealing her yellowish teeth.

Carmy didn't really feel like being followed that day, so we'll stop here.

End of random chapter

Yes, I know. It was absolutely disgusting. I am completely aware of that. That was the point.

By the way, who could find the hidden V.F.D? I didn't even realize it was there until 1.84 seconds ago.

I own nothing but please review.


	3. Carmelita and the Snow ScoutsNut Room

Carmelita and the Annoying Cakesniffing Randomness

The Snow Scouts were sitting around doing what Snow Scouts do when Carmelita walked into the room and ruined all the fun.

"Less talky!" cried Carmelita, banging some pots together. "More tap-dancy!"

"Yeah, I can't do that." said a Snow Scout.

"I'll try!" cried a Snow Scout who was deathly afraid of Carmelita. She tried and fell on the floor.

"Can I do ballet?" asked a little boy around eleven. "That's all I know."

"NO!" screamed Carmy. She proceeded to throw the Snow Scout across the room.

"OW!" yelled the Snow Scout.

Carmy randomly threw a ball and then stood on her head. A Snow Scout didn't look where she was going and stepped on Carmy's hair. The poor little Snow Scout was disintegrated.

The Snow Scouts sounded the fire alarm and ran out of the building. Carmy doodled on the wall.

"CARMELITA!" shouted Violet. "YOU CANNOT STAY IN A BURNING BUILDING!" She put Carmy in a sack and carried the sack out the door.

"I want a squirrel!" shouted Carmelita. Violet muted her.

Carmy said something nobody else could hear.

The Baudelaires, the Quagmires, Esmé, Count Olaf, the theater troupe, and all of the Snow Scouts ran to Willy Wonka's chocolate factory and asked Veruca Salt to take Carmelita down the garbage chute. Then they began to sing.

_Carmelita the little brute_

_Has just gone down the garbage chute_

_And she will meet as she descends_

_A rather differerent set of friends_

_A fish head for example cut_

_This morning from a halibut _

_An oyster from an oyster stew_

_A steak that nobody could chew_

_And lots of other things as well_

_Each with a rather horrid smell_

_These are Carmelita's new found friends_

_That she will meet as she descends_

_These are Carmelita's new found friends..._

_Who went and spoiled her, who indeed?_

_Who pandered to her every need?_

_Who turned her into such a brat?_

_Who are the culprits? Who did that?_

_The guilty ones, and this is sad:_

_Horribly out Esmé_

_And evil Olaf!_

_And that is why we're glad they'll fall_

_Into the garbage chute after_

Esmé and Olaf sailed down the garbage chute and everybody cheered. They went to get pizza to celebrate the fact that there was no more Carmelita.


	4. Carmelita and the Floridian Vacation

Carmelita and the Annoying Cakesniffing Randomness

**Let's begin by thanking my first-ever reviewer...NewRandomChild01! Thanks for the awesome review!**

**Smash Stuff- I totally agree! I actually burst out laughing at your review. However, I consider myself very random, so I do burst out laughing at most of my reviews. And thank you for reviewing.**

**Miss Sunny Baudelaire-"Guess what! I'm alive!" shouted every single parent in the whole entire world is very funny, I agree. Sorry I got your name wrong, but it kept editing it out if I wrote it correctly. My apologies.**

**Sorry for getting so excited, I just adore getting reviews.**

**Author's note:Which means that chapter four is going to be about Carmy on vacation! Keep your eyes peeled (but not literally, that would hurt!)**

**Also in my head, Carmy's from California, and I'm sending her to Florida, so you can imagine this would take a while. Also, I love manatees. **

**I just decided to have 61 chapters. This will make Carmelita and the Annoying Cakesniffing Randomness the longest Carmy story I've ever read/written! Hooray!**

**Okay, I've already used 100 words. Let's get to the story AFTER I spread some very important news :**

**I will be slowing down the story because I need to get back to my Charlie and the Chocolate Factory paraphernalia, especially The ticket finders as babies.**

**Without further ado, Pierre in France presents...Chapter Four!**

* * *

"Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" Carmelita Spats asked impatiently.

"Carmelita, we haven't even left the driveway yet." said Mr. Spats.

Over the next five hours, Carmy made the windows go up and down, played with the seatbelt, ate car snacks, chewed chewing gum, played on her Nintendo DS, and, of course, asked "Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

"NO!" shouted Mr. Spats.

Carmelita was so shocked by this sudden outburst that she burst into tears. The GEICO gecko cartwheeled over to her and asked that little Carmy not spend money on car insurance.

"Where's Klausy Wausy Mousey?" asked Carmy.

"There is no Klaus here." said Izzy Quagmire.

"The last safe place is safe no more." said Sunny. She tried to fly and ended up falling onto a conveiniently placed Sunny-sized bush.

"We are here!" said the Sunny-sized bush.

"Zaxuloip!" said Sunny.

They went into the hotel where Dracula was at the counter. He put Carmy and her parents in room 217. There were no beds, the bathtub was filled with lizards, and the hotel had a manatee problem. Carmelita, being Carmelita, liked it and decided to roam the hotel.

The pool was purple so Carmy swam for an hour and curled up in the lizard-infested tub. Mr. and Mrs. Spats, being more civilized, chose to sleep in the car.

The next morning they went down to the complementary breakfast which was Pop-tarts and Capri Suns. Carmelita ate twelve packages of Pop-tarts and drank seven Capri Suns.

* * *

Carmelita stood up on the breakfast bar and announced "Guess what? You get to view my tap-dancing ballerina fairy princess veterinarian dance recital!"

"NO!" shouted a four year old. "Anything but that! It's torture!"

The four year old was never seen again.

Carmelita began to sing. Loudly.

_C is for cute_

_A is for adorable_

_R is for ravishing_

_M is for goregeous_

_E is for excellent_

_L is for lovable_

_I is for I'm the best_

_T is for talented_

_A is for a tap-dancing ballerina fairy princess veterinarian_

_S is for stylish_

_P is for perfect_

_A is for attractive_

_T is for the most wonderful Carmelta the world has ever seen_

_And S is for savory!_

_Now let's begin my whole wonderful song all over again!_

Carmelita sang the same awful song twelve more times, then bowed elaborately and bounced off the breakfast bar. Then, Karli shook her device. (Who's Karli? Forget it, you can't pronounce it) Carmelita got motion sick and vomited all over her mother. Mr. Spats began to lead her out of the room.

That night at eight, Mr. and Mrs. Spats watched TV. Carmelita played The Sims Freeplay.

At nine, Mrs. Spats pulled out Anna Karenina and read it. Mr. Spats showered. Carmy continued to play The Sims Freeplay.

At ten, Mr. Spats got in bed and Mrs. Spats put down Anna Karenina and showered. Carmy was still playing The Sims Freeplay.

At eleven, Carmy showered while playing The Sims Freeplay (because in ASOUE Land, all electronics are waterproof) Mr. and Mrs. Spats went to sleep.

At midnight, Carmy paused The Sims Freeplay and video chatted with Julie. (Who's Julie? Forget it, you can't pronounce it.)Her parents continued to sleep.

At one. Carmy ended her chat with Julie and continued The Sims Freeplay. (Why is she obsessed with The Sims Freeplay? Forget it, you can't pronounce it.)

At two, Carmy put The Sims Freeplay away and fell asleep.

At three, Carmelita went to the bathroom. (Why did she go to the bathroom? Forget it, you can't pronounce it.)

At four, Carmy was still sleeping.

At five, Carmy was still sleeping.

At six, Carmy was still sleeping.

At seven, Carmy was still sleeping.

At eight, Carmy was still sleeping.

At nine, Carmy woke up and went to the breakfast buffet. She ate five packages of Poptarts and drank two Capri Suns.

At ten, Carmy video chatted with Julie again. (Why do Carmy and Julie like to video chat? Forget it, you can't pronounce it.)

At eleven, Carmy began to continue The Sims Freeplay.

At twelve, Carmy ran up to the roof and vomited off of it. She hit a poor old man in the head.

"Watch where you barf, you little whippersnapper!" he cried.

At one, Carmy and Julie went bowling. (How did Julie get from California to Florida in one night while being unable to drive because she was eleven? Forget it, Julie doesn't even know.)

At two, Carmy and Julie ate lunch at the snack bar then bought another game of bowling.

At three, Carmy and Julie finished bowling and went back to the hotel.

At four, Carmy and Julie went to swim in the purple pool.

At five, the Spats family went to dinner because it was their last night in Florida. (Carmy hid Julie in her purse to save money.)

At six, Carmy and Julie wanted dessert.

At seven, Carmy and Julie were stuffed.

At seven-o-one, Mr. and Mrs. Spats tried to haul the girls out the door.

At eight, Carmy and Julie were playing The Sims Freeplay (they had previously showered and donned their pajamas.

At nine, Julie downloaded The Sims Freeplay so she could send Carmy stuff.

At ten, Carmy got permission to bring Julie home. They celebrated.

At eleven, Carmy decided to stop celebrating.

At twelve, Carmy and Julie fell asleep.

From one to eight they slept.

At nine, the girls and Spats parents ate breakfast.

At ten, they began to pack.

At eleven they were leaving.

From twelve to two three days later they drove (it was actually eleven in the morning because of the different time zones.)

At one, Carmy unpacked, hung up all her souveniers, and disappeared with Julie.

At two Julie had to go home.

At three Carmy ate an early dinner because she needed to get settled.

From four to eight Carmy got back on California time.

At nine Carmy changed the time zones on her devices.

At ten, Carmy retired for the night, wondering what the summer held for her.

Whew! Longest chappie yet! I have chosen to not continue until I get eight reviews. (This fic is getting pretty succesful)

Until Chapter Five, Pierre in France.


	5. Carmelita is Very Scared

Carmelita and the Annoying Cakesniffing Randomness

**Authors Note: When I first published this, I had all kinds of ideas. But since I only rated it K plus just to be on the safe side, some were too violent or otherwise inappropriate and had to be dropped.**

**So, well, I'm not a cakesniffer, so go hug a V. F. D member**

**Also, thank you to my latest reviewers: Goldie Roth and Missy Carmelita Spats!**

* * *

It was thundering horribly, and our favorite Carmelita of all of the Carmelitas, Carmelita Spats, was, along with Esmé, was watching a horror movie. The weather thundered accordingly, almost as if it were glad to have a reason to bring itself out. Carmelita fumbled for the remote. "Esmé, I want to watch cartoons." she said.

"No, Carmelita, we are going to watch the movie." Esmé said.

But every time the ghosts came on the screen, Carmelita wet her pants a little bit. Finally, Esme got a diaper and put it on her.

"Nononononononononononono!" Carmelita protested.

"Yesyesyesyesyesyesyesyes!" Esmé argued.

About ten minutes later, Carmelita told Esmé to get her some popcorn. When she did, Carmelita clicked off the movie, called Julie over, and spent the next half hour acting out Nations of the World (if you know where that is from please say so, I'm doing a sort of contest) until Esmé came in, put the movie back on, and shooed Julie out the door.

Carmelita was tired of that song and dance so she went to bed.

**Sorry so short, but I've got other stories to update and I haven't posted a new chapter since last year.**


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